I had the good fortune to participate in the Center For Nonprofit Management's Bridges to Excellence Conference on May 22, 2010, met some good people, visited with old friends and learned something remarkable: The Platinum Rule.

During the last workshop of the day, I attended Cathy Self's LEADING WITH LOVE & NOT FEAR presentation on servant leadership.   I walked into the room excited to see Cathy and feeling like I had a solid understanding of the difference between leading with love rather than fear.  And, as is usually the case when I think I have things figured out, I was blown away by I learned.

Most of us understand the concept of the Golden Rule: do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves.  It makes sense, feels nice, we get it.  However, if I were coming to your house for dinner and wanted to bring you a token of my appreciation by giving you one of my most favorite items, for instance, Fritos, and you were allergic to corn, the Golden Rule sort of falls apart.  The Platinum Rule takes this kind sentiment and truly puts it into action.  The Platinum Rule states: Do unto others as they would do for themselves if they were able.  Yes!  Hooray!  This concept felt so right for me.

The Golden Rule is like helping someone.  The Platinum Rule is being of service to someone.  I have worked in the nonprofit world for over 14 years.  I hope that I have made a positive impact on the lives of the clients or students I met along the way.   But, it was not until Cathy shared with us the premise of the Platinum Rule did I realize that more than anything I hope that I have been of service to those clients or students I have encountered along the way. 

Every one of us needs help once and while, we need the support of someone or something stronger or more equipped than we.  But, so often, we get in a big hurry to fix what is broken.   We want to make the pain or the hurt to go away, feel good about ourselves because we fixed it and then move on. 

The Platinum Rules requires more from each of us.  It requires to us to walk along side the person who is struggling, not just fix them.   Real healing happens with the Platinum Rule.  There is sustainability with platinum.  Platinum is stronger than gold.  Healing is deeper than fixing.  I am grateful I had the chance to attend Cathy’s workshop.

I ordered pizza the other night from our favorite little shop in East Nashville.  Over the years, my family has become close with the family who owns the shop.  They have five children ranging in age from 5 to 24 and all of them work at the restaurant.  Often, the mom or the one of the older boys or the father will be the one to deliver our order to the house.  There is always an extra bag of chips or a peice of fudge pie included in the order "for the babies!".  Needless to say, I have a deep affection and respect for this family.

On this particular night, their oldest son delivered the order.  He is tall, kind and likes to smile.  He always asks how we are, "How's the kids?" he asked. 

"Great. You are so good to always ask," I said. 

Then, I realized something.  "Holy cow, you graduate from high school soon, don't you???" 

He smiled, "Yeah, I have to get through all these finals and with being off of school so long with the floods, I am worried.  But, it will all work out."

"You go to McGavock High School, right?"

"Yep, for a few more days, I do." 

"So, one of my coworkers works there, Mr. Hall.  Do you know him?  He is the STARS Specialist."

"YOU WORK FOR STARS????  I didn't know that.  I love STARS.  Yes, I know Mr. Hall.  Man, he really helped me out a while back."   He paused, remembering something difficult and sad.  "Yeah, Mr. Hall really helped me.  I mean, I may not be here.  That is so cool you for STARS."

Here I was thinking I was ordering dinner for my family, taking the easy way out after a long day of work and flood clean-up, only to realize how much it matters to show respect, kindness and care to a young person.  This young man will be graduating high school in the next two weeks. He always brings something positive and kind to my front porch when he delivers our order.  I am grateful to know the same was done for him through his experience with STARS.

On the way to work a few weeks ago my early morning drive was interrupted. The sun had barely risen; enough darkness remained as I started down a slight incline on Charlotte Pike. My eyes caught the attention of a man standing on the side of the road who appeared disoriented. My focus was only on the man, nothing else.

As I continued toward him, I could tell he was in trouble. From a distance he looked rough, and was bleeding.  No other vehicles were between us. I didn’t see an automobile accident or anything similar. All I saw was a bleeding, disoriented man. I wasn’t prepared for the thoughts and feelings that raced through my mind and heart … “Oh crap, is this a homeless man who needs help?” It would not have been an uncommon site driving in to see homeless men and woman along Charlotte. My thoughts and feelings troubled me … because I knew that there was no one else between me and this bleeding man. I am grateful that on this morning the God of the Universe revealed Himself to me in a loud, clear voice, “STOP YOUR CAR AND HELP!”  So, I did! 

As I slowed, for the first time I saw the bicycle, helmet and backpack on the ground. Relief settled in. Rather than stop in the middle of Charlotte, I turned into the first available parking lot and began walking back toward the fallen bicyclist. He didn’t know that I had stopped and had proceeded to wave down another car for help. Another older vehicle making an awful sound stopped … driven by a young African American man, with dreads and shorts that sagged, had stopped. Together we helped this stranger begin to clean himself as he continued to bleed from his face, arms, and legs. I took his bike and the other stranger took the bleeding bicyclist to the nearest hospital emergency room, only a few blocks away. With the bicyclist settled at the hospital (FYI … we spoke later in the morning and despite some stitches, bangs and bruises he is just fine) the two of us returned to the parking lot … me to head to work and the other young man to do something that would prompt me to write about the events of the morning. You see, I may have been able to excuse my earlier feelings with all kinds of rationalizations, and minimizations. I’m great at excusing myself sometimes … especially when I am afraid to act, or get involved in messy situations. But I couldn’t escape this morning. The young man who had transported the bleeding bike rider had asked the Hospital Security Guard for cleaning solution for the inside of his car. Blood spills covered the passenger seat, arm, and door rests. I commented, “Man, he bled all over your car. That’s a lot of blood.” He stuck his head out the door, cracked a very interesting smile and said, “It’s likely I’m going to get stopped, and when I do, I sure can’t have police looking at all the blood all over my car … I’m done and on the way “downtown” no matter what I say.”  His words caught me off guard... not what I was thinking … sure I get it … need to get the blood out of the car … but not because I’m worried about getting stopped and then questioned by police.  My response would have been, “You see Officer, this morning I was on the way to work and I saw this man … and I stopped to help … and  I took him to the hospital, etc., etc.” I have not been able to get this young man’s words out of mind … and I cannot erase the starkly different perspectives that the two of us had about the blood on the seat, and his fears of getting pulled over by the police.

What a tragedy that because he drove a car that looked rough, with a drive out tag, and he is black, young, male, and has dreads that he should worry … sure I would want the blood out of my car also, but I would not have made it the first order of business in the hospital parking lot. What a tragedy that his motivation to clean his car was based on such fear and pressure.  There is something tragically wrong with culture that this young man, who had just acted in the Samaritan’s role, would be left with thoughts that he was at risk simply for appearing as he did. 

And, what  a tragedy that I had  felt some 20 minutes earlier, anxiety about stopping to help someone who I thought at first to be a “homeless stranger.” For gosh sakes, I work at a building with a drop in center for young men and women who are on the streets for all kinds of reasons, and with 10 other young people who live there 24/7 who have been homeless and are in transition.

Bottom line to me … I/we have a long way to go in terms of addressing the inherit stereotypes and biases that exist in culture.   There is much work to be done in my heart. I suspect there is much to be done in all our hearts, no matter the level of our enlightenment. As I continue to attempt to unwrap the events of these 20 minutes I am thankful that at least where I work each day, where I worship the God of my understanding, and where I live each day, there are others that journey with me in this quest to be a people of compassion, and to be those who take risks to serve others, even when tentative, and even when danger may be present. What a gift to be able to also share out loud these secret thoughts in a safe place where others struggle with similar experiences and where we seek solutions to overcome the many biases of our hearts that keep us separated and blind us from our need for each other.

In our workplace at the Youth Opportunity Center, and in our work at STARS, we seek to foster a culture of understanding, acceptance, and service. If you find that you wish to join us in this effort please contact us at 615-279-0058. There is a place for you and who knows what 20 minutes might do?

As I approved more closely I saw for the first time the bike that lie beside this bleeding man … his helmet and backpack on the ground and the image of this bleeding much disoriented man needing help.

April serves as National Child Abuse Prevention month.  I am proudly wearing my blue ribbon to recognize and support this awareness.  I am equally as proud to work alongside the staff of Kids On The Block, a program of STARS.  We offer a Child Abuse Prevention program for all students in the 3^rd grade; it is one of our most heavily requested presentations and it is filled with hope, humor and courage.

In 2008-2009, after seeing our Child Abuse Prevention presentation, 31 courageous children were given the tools they needed to disclose they were being abused.  Thirty-one disclosures!  Each one of them received the support, help and healing they required.   Their families were provided the support, help and healing needed to move beyond the abuse.

Child abuse is such a heart-wrenching and seemingly insurmountable issue.  The puppets and puppeteers of Kids On The Block have taken something horrible and uncomfortable and created a space for children and adults to feel safe enough to actually talk about this issue.  We recently received a letter from a third-grader who saw our presentation:

                 I really liked the [show].  Thank you for coming to my school…If someone has hurt

you really bad and told you not to tell anyone you should tell a grown up

that you trust.  Child abuse is NEVER a kids fault.  Tell a grown up if someone

makes you feel mad or sad.

As a mother of two young children, I become paralyzed when I consider all the dangers in the world.  So much is outside my control.  And, I find tremendous comfort and encouragement knowing that my coworkers are out there working everyday to help children feel safe and empowered to stand up and just say “No!”

It is an honor for me to wear this blue ribbon.  Please support National Child Abuse Prevention Month.

By now most Americans have heard something of the stories these last five months about the two senseless and violent episodes in the Deerfield Beach Community. Michael Brewer and Josie Ratley both victimized, traumatized, and violently assaulted, leaving scars that they will have to deal with the rest of their lives. Josie remains in an induced coma fighting day by day for her life.

It makes me sick! Michael Brewer doused with gasoline, set on fire by three students who attended his middle school. Michael was seriously burned over an episode involving a bicycle and a video game. And, two weeks ago, Josie Ratley, another middle school student from the same middle school was beaten savagely by a fifteen year old male student who didn’t even know her, yet evidently had predmediitatively sought to physically assault her … over a text message exchange. Another thirteen year old female friend of the young man was changed as an accomplice in the crime.

In listening to the story reported on the Today Show this week, I was filled with sadness and anger at the level of violence perpetuated by these young people. During the reporting of the story, the Deerfield Beach Sheriff stated, “Our young people are living in a “culture of callousness.”  Additional information in the coverage of this story revealed that juvenile crime across the nation is down.  You’d never know it by the tragedies we hear about each day through media outlets.  

In my opinion, there was a failure in the reporting of these two stories.  Both accounts associated these vicious acts with bullying which confuses the issue altogether. These two senseless acts were criminal assaults committed by young people, who at least for all practical appearances did not seem to care about the importance and value of life.   The perpetrators of these acts either intended to take life or permanently disfigure another human being. After the savage beating of Josie, her perpetrator texted someone else, “I think I’m going to prison. I think I just killed someone.” Using the term bullying has become a phrase too commonly used in culture when something goes wrong with young people. While these acts were certainly acts of aggression committed to inflict harm, it is important to call these acts what they are … crimes.

For years, STARS has been a leader in helping young people deal with violence and bullying. We have defined violence as “any mean word look sign or act that hurts a person’s body, feelings or things.” And, we have stressed over and over that there are two fuels of violence; entitlement and tolerance. People feel entitled to act violently because it is too often tolerated in our culture … by both adults and young people. Someone said it very eloquently years ago … what we accept today we will tolerate tomorrow!

It appears that one impact of violence in media, and in culture, is the increasing numbing effect that it seems to have on all of us but I don’t know that I agree with the Sheriff’s assessment that our young people are living in a “culture of callousness.” There are far too many young people who are living lives of honor, integrity, dignity, and who demonstrate empathy toward their fellows in their daily interactions. There are many courageous young people who stand up and do the right things each day. The acts perpetrated against Michael and Josie are the aberration. Violence is violence and the two horrible acts in Deerfield Beach were senseless, callous acts of insensitivity and disregard for life, committed by individuals who may be callous. However, the good news according to most of the survey data that we have conducted around violence and bullying reveals that the huge majority of young people detest the senseless acts being committed in their midst. Too often they simply don’t have the confidence or the skills to do something about their feelings of disgust.

Young people need healthy models of how to live with civility. At STARS our staff works with thousands of young people each year who are developing programs and strategies to teach others how to do just that … live with peace and civility and act on their true feelings about these senseless acts.  And each year STARS trains thousands of adults in how to implement strategies identified as best practices in dealing with violence, bullying and other forms of aggression.  STARS is committed to doing everything possible to help young people and those who care for them prevent tragedies such as these. It is my hope that both Michael and Josie heal, and that the Deerfield community experiences comfort, peace and healing. If STARS can help your school or community develop strategies to prevent violence and bullying, and reduce the chance for such awful crimes as those committed in Deerfield Beach, please contact us at 615-279-0058.